I never realized that people would actually take the time to read this blog. I only started it because I wanted to journal our journey to parenthood. I wanted to have my feelings and prayers and hopes during the journey down somewhere so I could someday show our child how much we loved and wanted them before they were even here. I have received a lot of messages in response to this blog; messages of hope and prayer and encouragement. To each person that reads this blog and each person that has taken their time to write me-- thank you. None of you have any idea how helpful reading messages of encouragement have helped my heart. To know that I make someone else's prayers is just an awesome feeling.
This morning I was laying in bed talking with Rick. Which that in itself is a rare occurrence. We very rarely have time to just lay in bed and talk to each other in the morning. Monday through Friday he leaves for work when I am still asleep. Saturdays I leave for work while he is still in bed. Sundays get to sleep in a little bit, but we usually sleep until we have to get up for church. So, to lay in bed and both be awake and get to relax and just talk was so awesome. With the windows open, a chilly bedroom, a breeze blowing, my husbands arms wrapped around me-- I laid there in awe of Gods work. Its moments like those that hit you head on and you see Gods love for you.
For years I bounced around from dating different guys and never really letting God lead. I went through yet another break up and had my heart broken once again and I finally was at my rock bottom. I truly hated everything in my life. And I hated me for letting my life get where it was. I knew I needed God but I had no idea how to let Him lead or how to surrender everything. I am a "silent worshiper" and I stepped out of my comfort zone to show God I was ready for Him. My heart was ready, my mind was ready, and the time was now. My life changed that day and the Lord has done work in me and through me that I never thought possible. And when I proved to Him that I was true to my word and my heart was completely His; I was faithful to Him. And when I was faithful, He was faithful. Times a million. I met Rick 2 weeks after I gave Jesus my heart. I knew on my first date with Rick that he was the man God created just for me. I drove away from that date knowing he would be my husband.
Two weeks ago I was pleading with God to give me a baby. I wasnt praying for Gods timing or for whatever is in His plans for us from now until a baby or anything near that. All I was thinking was give me a baby. Give me a baby now. Everyone else gets a baby but me and its my turn. From two weeks ago until now, God has been working on my heart big time. He is showing me His plans and Im sitting back; watching and believing and trusting and most importantly- thanking. Our lives are changing and I know that its in preparation for the next step. Its funny how in such a short time God can calm you and give you peace and reassurance. I keep hearing "be still and know I am God' over and over in my head and in my heart. And I know that when I am faithful, He is more faithful. And he Has started His works in my heart, in my life, in our life, in our love- and He is faithful to complete it. I have no doubt in my mind that I will be pregnant someday. I have no idea if I will do it on my own or what I will have to let doctors do, but I will someday be pregnant. Letting go and letting God has given me so much relief. And from now until pregnant, I will give God all the glory and praise He deserves that I am just now realizing I was too preoccupied to give. He is working on my heart to love even more. Our baby is a life i Love already, and when its finally time, I will love more than I ever imagined possible.
