Post Eleven

2012 is just underway, and thank God for that!! I was so ready to get 2011 out of here and for a fresh start to a new year. Right before Christmas I made a few phone calls and I decided to self refer to a fertility specialist. Right before Christmas we also got some real scary news; one of my best friends has cancer. 2011 was a year of ups and downs for me, but the last few months seems torturous and filled with just terrible news. The news of cancer was the icing on the cake.

Cancer. Just looking at it all spelled out makes me want to puke. I hate cancer and I hate what it does to people and I hate how devastating it is. My friend has cancer. Cancer. Cancer. As many times as I say it, I still dont believe it.

I am so blessed to be able to say that my friend who has cancer, well she is also my Grandma. The connection that I have with my Grandma is so much more than a grandmother/granddaughter connection. Our relationship has truly bloomed into such a friendship. As easy as it would be for me to say this is just too much bad news and my little heart cant take anymore bad news, I am choosing to be strong. Grandma needs us all to be strong and stand in the gap for her right now. My family may be crazy at times, but in this time of tragedy we are all stepping up, together, and holding each other up strongly as we boldly cry out to God. Each appointment and each scan hasnt brought us good news that I had hoped for. But nor has it brought the words "not treatable". So that is where I am focusing my attention, that no matter what she can fight this.

I rarely get alone time, and when I do I dont think to spend it with the Lord. My quiet times of prayer happen as I fall asleep every night and when I am driving. I just think and pray and talk and sometimes cry and sometimes sing. Music is a huge impact on my heart and really helps me pick myself up and move forward with new found hope. Well, after more not awesome news today, I told my mom to go listen to Laura's Story song called Blessings. I love this song, but I love it even more after hearing the singers reasoning for writing it. Where her heart was when she wrote this song is about where we are at. This womans husband had a brain tumor and she just felt certain that the Lord would miraculously heal him and the tumor would be gone. But that didnt happen. And when she was crying out and questioning the Lord and His timing and choices, she felt Him say to her, "I want him to go through all this, all the treatment...I want people to see your faith through it all and let it be a blessing to them." As I left work today thinking of what strong words those are, I got in my car and guess what song started playing...Blessings!!! I just know it was the Lord telling me to be calm and to have faith and hope.

Now let me tell you I have not had such a calm, peaceful heart this whole time. I sobbed just thinking about all the "what ifs". What if I never get to see her hold my babies, what if I never get to experience a pregnancy with her help, what if she never gets to babysit for me, what if my babies dont know their Grandma Willa. My mind was overwhelmed with all these thoughts and negative thoughts questioning the Lord and why He is doing this to me. Why my Grandma? Why not someone elses Grandma? Leave mine alone, let me focus on fertility issues and let me experience life with Grandma and a baby. But after much praying and much listening to God, I just have to let go of my worry and trust in Him.

Tonight I told my Grandma that right now we are just in a dark path and we are so close to rounding a corner and there will be the light. We just have to hold on and stay strong and know that God is leading us. Thats exactly what I had to hold onto with all this baby jumbo.

I had my first appointment with a fertility specialist this week, and let me just say I was so resistant to the idea of having to see a fertility specialist. I didnt want to do this. I didnt like the idea of having to do any type of extensive treatment. I didnt wanna have to be that couple that cant get married and have a baby. But you know what I do want? I want Baby Stiger. And that outweighs everything I dont want. No matter what we have to go through, I know it will be worth it when they hand me our little baby.

Meeting with my new doctor and hearing him talk about our options gave me the hope I have been missing with my old doctor. I have never left a doctor appointment so satisfied. He was so thorough and understanding and best of all...aggressive. We have our "plan" and I am more than thrilled to be onto the next step.

2012 is going to be a year of love and life. It will be life saved, life that is new. I just know deep in my heart that the Lord is mending and bringing hearts together through my Grandma's disease, and He will see us through it all. And I can just picture her holding my sweet babies. Jesus is Love, and He loves me perfectly; like i Love that little life already.

Post 10

Today is my twenty-eighth birthday. I have not really been looking forward to my birthday this year; this is the first time I have ever not been super excited for my birthday. I dunno if it just came at the end of a rough week or what, but I was not excited.

Monday was about the worst day I have had in a long time. I was supposed to spend the day shopping with my mom and mother in law. I had a doctors appointment in the middle of the day so I left them shopping to run over for what was supposed to be a real quick appointment. As I was sitting in the waiting room for my name to be called I found out a high school client of mine passed away. That hit me like a punch to the stomach, it truly took my breath away. The news I got at that doctors appointment hit me like a thousand punches to the stomach, and I barely made it to the car before I burst into tears.

I was supposed to get even better results this time around from meds, but it was opposite. This time there was nothing. My body didnt respond, not even a tad little teeny tiny bit. I was so blindsided by it, I was completely expecting better results and to leave there a happy camper. I thought I would leave on cloud nine and go back to shopping. Instead I called Rick and I could barely even get words out. I got back to my mom and mother-in-law only to crumble in their arms and sob. I was crushed. I can honestly say that was one of my saddest moments.

This week has been a rough week to bounce back from that doctors visit. At the beginning of the year I told Rick I thought we would be pregnant by the end of 2011. And I truly believed we would be. If we did get pregnant this cycle, we would have gotten our positive at Christmas.

I dont understand why God is making us wait, and it honestly has me petrified what is going on inside my body. Nothing is working. After how defeated I felt Monday I thought maybe its really never going to happen for us. Maybe my body will never do what its supposed to do and I will never get to experience motherhood. I will never be able to give my husband a child.

Those feelings come from a really sad place. A place where I questioned God. I questioned why He is doing this, how much can my heart take, what is He trying to teach me. Why can some people that have no business parenting a child just have sex and get pregnant and here I am doing everything in my power to only get let down. I dont get it. Maybe I never will. I try to tell myself that once I overcome infertility and I am on the other side of this, I will look back and think it really wasnt that bad. I hope.

SO-- thankfully those sad, icky feelings didnt hang around all week. I was greeted Wednesday night by a husband and an early birthday gift...diamond earrings. If you know me, you know that I have wanted diamond earrings for years. I look at them, I decide to buy them, I talk myself out of buying them because I cant justify spending the money. Anyways, Rick explained to me as I eagerly put them in my ears that our entire relationship I have wanted these earrings but never gotten them. He said now I can have them and I dont have to worry about how theyre being paid for or trying to justify the spending. My patience got me these earrings. And my patience will also get me a baby eventually, I just have to be strong and be filled with faith.

I have the BEST husband. He is truly a perfect match for my heart.

I have been drawn to this song lately, and I havent even really pieced together why. But sometimes when a song just gets your heart, thats how this song is for me. But this song brings peace to my heart. Listen to it. Francesca Battistelli "Be Born in Me". It helps me regain courage to fight for a life i Love.

Post Nine

Infertility. What a gross word. I hate it. Hate.It. Its so devastating and consuming and horrible. I am beyond sick of hearing people say, "oh, it will happen. just relax. people always get pregnant when they stop trying. so don't try." really? shut up. just shut up. Until you are punched square in the face with it, don't ever try to give advice on how to get through it. Its honestly like a disease. I have no idea how to fix it or cure it or beat it. I am just following what doctors suggest and trusting the Lord is guiding them. I swallow pills, get injections, get probed at like a science experiment. I thought that the journey to parenthood would be a fun one but it isn't at all. It really sucks. I am already over feeling sick, tired, sore, and worrying. Infertility consumes your mind and your world. I constantly think what if these pills don't work, what if this injection doesn't make my body function, what if we are spending all this money for nothing?

Its even hard for Rick to understand where I am with all of this sometimes. He tries to reassure me that it will happen and that we just have to be patient. I already know all of that. To know that your body is failing to do what God intended, that's just a tad bit hard for me to wrap my head around. I have had days of hope and days of complete hopelessness. I hate the time in between doctor visits and wondering if this is gonna be the time it all works. When will it be my turn for a positive pregnancy test?

I am really sick of hearing that God has a plan. I am aware. But its so hard for me to understand how this is part of God's plan. How is making me face this and get knocked down by it part of a plan? I honestly started my Sunday at church seeing some cute babies and little kids and thinking, "Really Lord, its my turn. I am starting to get pretty pissed. Stop screwing around with my heart and my head and let us be parents." I really thought that! I said that in my head to the Lord! I kept thinking about people say that God knows every heartache and trouble you face, He, too, has faced it. Well, the Lord didn't face no infertility. So maybe He doesn't know what He is really doing to my head and my heart by making me go through it. Maybe He doesn't realize its eating away at me. Then this song happened...

We could try to count the stars
You already know them each by name
Every single galaxy was Your design
Your majesty displayed

Your glory shines before our eyes
The more we see, the more we love You

King of wonders, we stand amazed
Theres no other, other than You
King of wonders, You know the way to our hearts
And the more we see, the more we love You

You reveal and we respond
You have shown theres no one like You, God
Your love and mercy welcomes us
Into the beauty of this Holiness

Your glory shines before our eyes
The more we see, the more we love You

King of wonders, we stand amazed
Theres no other, other than You
King of wonders, You know the way to our hearts
The more we see, the more we love You, God


That song knocked me back to reality. The more I see, the more I endure, the more I love You, God. He knows the stars by name. BY NAME. That to me is huge. He knows the stars by name but yet He knows me and my heart and loves me. Not only does He love me but He died for me. And here I am getting pissed and thinking maybe His plan is really not best at this point in time. His plan is perfect. And maybe what God faces daily isn't named "infertility" BUT I guarantee that His heart breaks by not having the children He wants. I feel so alone every time I get my hopes up and my answer is no, but He feels that too. Every time He wants a life and gets turned down, His heart breaks too. So maybe during this tough time instead of thinking He is being cruel and couldn't possibly understand where I am, I should realize that He knows the exact feelings of my heart. He knows the desire in my heart to be a mom. He has the same desire to love His children.

These past few weeks I have completely overlooked how gentle and delicate He can be for me if I let Him. That's what He wants. He wants to comfort my heart and know I trust Him and seek Him even in this dark time. Instead of running to the computer to google my chances of getting pregnant on this medication and this injection and what my chances of miscarriage are, I need to run to the Cross. He knows exactly where I am and He has a plan. And that plan will come full circle and when it does I will appreciate it so much more than the people that get it without even realizing how blessed they truly are. Never take life for granted; it is so delicate. He doesn't want me to be worried and have sleepless nights because I am so scared. He wants me to be calm knowing that He will get me through it. No matter how horrible the situation, He will get us through.

Jesus please teach me patience and hope and hold my heart during this time. Remind me that You give me double for my trouble and that my rewards will far outweigh what I am enduring. I am so weak to this, but Lord you are so strong. Give me the strength to fight for a life i Love already.

Post Eight

Holy Hormones! Has anyone else felt like they dont know what is going on and their doctor just expects them to know and understand every detail, timing, and definition? Its safe to say that at this moment, I am extremely overwhelmed. I have looked up the basic order of different fertility drugs and methods and with all this IUI, IVF, CD, PCOS lingo- I am lost. I mean I get the jist of everything but I dont feel like I know everything I need to know. Maybe thats a feeling that comes with the territory. So in the midst of all these side effects and hormones, I found this tid bit of information that let me breathe:

For women under age 35, the question is more about which PCOS treatment will work- and not so much about whether any treatment will work.

I get so anxious knowing that we are on the right path and wandering if this is the step that will work. I have to remember that all this is a process that takes time. I keep telling myself that no matter what happens at my next doctors appointment, I will keep a positive outlook and know that God has His hand in all of this. He knows the desires of our hearts, He knows the exact moment my body will cooperate, He knows my baby by name already! I get so caught up in trying to educate myself and seeing statistics and worrying that sometimes I overlook that God knows exactly whats best.

Its crazy how things change. And I mean that for the good. Before this I had to remind myself to pray it seemed like. And now I am praying all the time...at work, in the car, in the shower, while I walk to my car. And its crazy how my prayers have changed. It used to seem like my prayers were "God please let me have a good day, please help me stick to my diet, please help my business grow." While those are all very real and valid prayers, there isnt much depth to them. Now I pray for my husband, our finances, our house, our parents, peoples lives to be saved, not only for my business to grow but for the community see God all over the salon, to use me to reach and teach others, to give me opportunities to tell of Gods love, I pray for my babies to be strong and healthy and little warriors that can teach Gods truth, I even pray over the medications I take- that these will help my body to produce perfect follicles. And at the end of prayers, I try to remember to thank Him for every blessing He has already given me and to thank Him for the cross and for giving His life for mine. He gave His life for my sweet babies, and so I could be a mommy someday. I always figured I would have kids, but I never imagined how this stage of the game would feel. I never knew that little life i Love could change my heart so much.

Post 7

It seems as if in the blink of an eye a year has passed. People say the first year of marriage is the hardest, and I do hope that is true. So much has happened in our first year of marriage. Some of it we had no control over, and some of it we jumped into ourselves. While a lot of it is just part of the journey we call life, it is still difficult to get used to living together and combining everything as well as doing life. But we did it. And I know that if we were able to get through some of the stuff we got through and still are smiling and happy and in love, the years to come will be a cake walk.


Because I have never known such a love
I, Ashley, take you, Rick,
to be my beloved husband.
I choose to make my whole life with you,
Because you are the man I adore.
The one above all others
Who has been given as a gift to me
To be now and always my love.
I promise always to love you,
To treasure you,
To encourage you,
To be at your side
In sickness and in health
And forsaking all others
To keep myself only unto you.
I promise you this from my heart
With my soul
For all the days of my life.


One year ago today, I cried my way through these vows. Aside from the flowers, the cake, the pretty dress, and dancing like idiots- I made a promise that I meant every word of. I believe with my whole heart that God planted us in each others' lives at the most perfect time. I dedicate the next year of our marriage to the Lord and to His plans for us. I want to learn and grow with my husband and make our relationship and marriage and home one that everyone knows God is the center of. I want it to be obvious that we love each other, we love the Lord, we more importantly trust the Lord, and at the end of the day, we are best friends.

Happy First Anniversary.

Post 6

About five months ago, we started looking into different vacation destinations for our First Anniversary Vacation/Honeymoon #2. We looked into a few different options and we thought maybe it just wasn't good timing and maybe we shouldn't spend the money. We looked into all inclusives out of the country and then thought maybe stay in the states. I looked and looked at condos- for weeks. I couldn't find any that I loved, so I thought maybe it was a sign we shouldn't head out. One night when I was leaving work, pretty frazzled from having baby stuff on the brain and just life in general, it hit me. Something in my heart said go to Panama City Beach, head to Florida, baby stuff is going to work out there. I never mentioned it to Rick that I felt that, afraid that it was just me wanting to feel that and not really God working on my heart.

Day #1 at our condo and I went out on the balcony by myself with a cup of coffee. I was sitting out there in silence looking at the beach-- the sand and the waves and the sun and it took my breath away. I was so in awe that the Lord created all of this. He told the ocean it could only come so far. He knows how many grains of sand there are. And He knows me, knows the desires of my heart. And He knows the best timing. Looking at the beach and admiring God's work, I just let go of the baby issue control. I cannot make my body do what it needs to do in order to get pregnant. I cannot make my doctor move quicker with fertility options in order to help my body do what it needs to do. So I let go. I let go and let God.

An hour later, my doctor's office called me. My doctor decided its time to move to the next step. When we get home, we are moving forward. If this next step will get me pregnant or not, I have no idea, but its a step in the right direction. (I am going to keep details of our fertility journey to a minimum from here out. Just for our privacy. We are going to be going through a lot and I don't want people to be disappointed or questioning us.)

I feel like as soon as I let go, God took control. I was so afraid months ago that when I felt God put it on my heart to come to Panama City Beach with Rick, that it was me making myself feel that and it wasn't really God. I thought maybe I would get pregnant while in PCB. Although I know its not possible for me to get pregnant right now, I do feel like God shed some light, He opened this new door for us. I may not be pregnant for years, but this is getting us closer to it. This could be our last vacation as The Stigers, party of two.

Its God's will for us to bring a baby into this world. He knows the desires of my heart and He desires to bless me and make me happy. And I know, without a doubt, that He will make me a mommy. A mommy to a sweet, precious little miracle. And thats a life i Love already.

Post 5

I never realized that people would actually take the time to read this blog. I only started it because I wanted to journal our journey to parenthood. I wanted to have my feelings and prayers and hopes during the journey down somewhere so I could someday show our child how much we loved and wanted them before they were even here. I have received a lot of messages in response to this blog; messages of hope and prayer and encouragement. To each person that reads this blog and each person that has taken their time to write me-- thank you. None of you have any idea how helpful reading messages of encouragement have helped my heart. To know that I make someone else's prayers is just an awesome feeling.

This morning I was laying in bed talking with Rick. Which that in itself is a rare occurrence. We very rarely have time to just lay in bed and talk to each other in the morning. Monday through Friday he leaves for work when I am still asleep. Saturdays I leave for work while he is still in bed. Sundays get to sleep in a little bit, but we usually sleep until we have to get up for church. So, to lay in bed and both be awake and get to relax and just talk was so awesome. With the windows open, a chilly bedroom, a breeze blowing, my husbands arms wrapped around me-- I laid there in awe of Gods work. Its moments like those that hit you head on and you see Gods love for you.

For years I bounced around from dating different guys and never really letting God lead. I went through yet another break up and had my heart broken once again and I finally was at my rock bottom. I truly hated everything in my life. And I hated me for letting my life get where it was. I knew I needed God but I had no idea how to let Him lead or how to surrender everything. I am a "silent worshiper" and I stepped out of my comfort zone to show God I was ready for Him. My heart was ready, my mind was ready, and the time was now. My life changed that day and the Lord has done work in me and through me that I never thought possible. And when I proved to Him that I was true to my word and my heart was completely His; I was faithful to Him. And when I was faithful, He was faithful. Times a million. I met Rick 2 weeks after I gave Jesus my heart. I knew on my first date with Rick that he was the man God created just for me. I drove away from that date knowing he would be my husband.

Two weeks ago I was pleading with God to give me a baby. I wasnt praying for Gods timing or for whatever is in His plans for us from now until a baby or anything near that. All I was thinking was give me a baby. Give me a baby now. Everyone else gets a baby but me and its my turn. From two weeks ago until now, God has been working on my heart big time. He is showing me His plans and Im sitting back; watching and believing and trusting and most importantly- thanking. Our lives are changing and I know that its in preparation for the next step. Its funny how in such a short time God can calm you and give you peace and reassurance. I keep hearing "be still and know I am God' over and over in my head and in my heart. And I know that when I am faithful, He is more faithful. And he Has started His works in my heart, in my life, in our life, in our love- and He is faithful to complete it. I have no doubt in my mind that I will be pregnant someday. I have no idea if I will do it on my own or what I will have to let doctors do, but I will someday be pregnant. Letting go and letting God has given me so much relief. And from now until pregnant, I will give God all the glory and praise He deserves that I am just now realizing I was too preoccupied to give. He is working on my heart to love even more. Our baby is a life i Love already, and when its finally time, I will love more than I ever imagined possible.