2012 is just underway, and thank God for that!! I was so ready to get 2011 out of here and for a fresh start to a new year. Right before Christmas I made a few phone calls and I decided to self refer to a fertility specialist. Right before Christmas we also got some real scary news; one of my best friends has cancer. 2011 was a year of ups and downs for me, but the last few months seems torturous and filled with just terrible news. The news of cancer was the icing on the cake.
Cancer. Just looking at it all spelled out makes me want to puke. I hate cancer and I hate what it does to people and I hate how devastating it is. My friend has cancer. Cancer. Cancer. As many times as I say it, I still dont believe it.
I am so blessed to be able to say that my friend who has cancer, well she is also my Grandma. The connection that I have with my Grandma is so much more than a grandmother/granddaughter connection. Our relationship has truly bloomed into such a friendship. As easy as it would be for me to say this is just too much bad news and my little heart cant take anymore bad news, I am choosing to be strong. Grandma needs us all to be strong and stand in the gap for her right now. My family may be crazy at times, but in this time of tragedy we are all stepping up, together, and holding each other up strongly as we boldly cry out to God. Each appointment and each scan hasnt brought us good news that I had hoped for. But nor has it brought the words "not treatable". So that is where I am focusing my attention, that no matter what she can fight this.
I rarely get alone time, and when I do I dont think to spend it with the Lord. My quiet times of prayer happen as I fall asleep every night and when I am driving. I just think and pray and talk and sometimes cry and sometimes sing. Music is a huge impact on my heart and really helps me pick myself up and move forward with new found hope. Well, after more not awesome news today, I told my mom to go listen to Laura's Story song called Blessings. I love this song, but I love it even more after hearing the singers reasoning for writing it. Where her heart was when she wrote this song is about where we are at. This womans husband had a brain tumor and she just felt certain that the Lord would miraculously heal him and the tumor would be gone. But that didnt happen. And when she was crying out and questioning the Lord and His timing and choices, she felt Him say to her, "I want him to go through all this, all the treatment...I want people to see your faith through it all and let it be a blessing to them." As I left work today thinking of what strong words those are, I got in my car and guess what song started playing...Blessings!!! I just know it was the Lord telling me to be calm and to have faith and hope.
Now let me tell you I have not had such a calm, peaceful heart this whole time. I sobbed just thinking about all the "what ifs". What if I never get to see her hold my babies, what if I never get to experience a pregnancy with her help, what if she never gets to babysit for me, what if my babies dont know their Grandma Willa. My mind was overwhelmed with all these thoughts and negative thoughts questioning the Lord and why He is doing this to me. Why my Grandma? Why not someone elses Grandma? Leave mine alone, let me focus on fertility issues and let me experience life with Grandma and a baby. But after much praying and much listening to God, I just have to let go of my worry and trust in Him.
Tonight I told my Grandma that right now we are just in a dark path and we are so close to rounding a corner and there will be the light. We just have to hold on and stay strong and know that God is leading us. Thats exactly what I had to hold onto with all this baby jumbo.
I had my first appointment with a fertility specialist this week, and let me just say I was so resistant to the idea of having to see a fertility specialist. I didnt want to do this. I didnt like the idea of having to do any type of extensive treatment. I didnt wanna have to be that couple that cant get married and have a baby. But you know what I do want? I want Baby Stiger. And that outweighs everything I dont want. No matter what we have to go through, I know it will be worth it when they hand me our little baby.
Meeting with my new doctor and hearing him talk about our options gave me the hope I have been missing with my old doctor. I have never left a doctor appointment so satisfied. He was so thorough and understanding and best of all...aggressive. We have our "plan" and I am more than thrilled to be onto the next step.
2012 is going to be a year of love and life. It will be life saved, life that is new. I just know deep in my heart that the Lord is mending and bringing hearts together through my Grandma's disease, and He will see us through it all. And I can just picture her holding my sweet babies. Jesus is Love, and He loves me perfectly; like i Love that little life already.
