Post 10

Today is my twenty-eighth birthday. I have not really been looking forward to my birthday this year; this is the first time I have ever not been super excited for my birthday. I dunno if it just came at the end of a rough week or what, but I was not excited.

Monday was about the worst day I have had in a long time. I was supposed to spend the day shopping with my mom and mother in law. I had a doctors appointment in the middle of the day so I left them shopping to run over for what was supposed to be a real quick appointment. As I was sitting in the waiting room for my name to be called I found out a high school client of mine passed away. That hit me like a punch to the stomach, it truly took my breath away. The news I got at that doctors appointment hit me like a thousand punches to the stomach, and I barely made it to the car before I burst into tears.

I was supposed to get even better results this time around from meds, but it was opposite. This time there was nothing. My body didnt respond, not even a tad little teeny tiny bit. I was so blindsided by it, I was completely expecting better results and to leave there a happy camper. I thought I would leave on cloud nine and go back to shopping. Instead I called Rick and I could barely even get words out. I got back to my mom and mother-in-law only to crumble in their arms and sob. I was crushed. I can honestly say that was one of my saddest moments.

This week has been a rough week to bounce back from that doctors visit. At the beginning of the year I told Rick I thought we would be pregnant by the end of 2011. And I truly believed we would be. If we did get pregnant this cycle, we would have gotten our positive at Christmas.

I dont understand why God is making us wait, and it honestly has me petrified what is going on inside my body. Nothing is working. After how defeated I felt Monday I thought maybe its really never going to happen for us. Maybe my body will never do what its supposed to do and I will never get to experience motherhood. I will never be able to give my husband a child.

Those feelings come from a really sad place. A place where I questioned God. I questioned why He is doing this, how much can my heart take, what is He trying to teach me. Why can some people that have no business parenting a child just have sex and get pregnant and here I am doing everything in my power to only get let down. I dont get it. Maybe I never will. I try to tell myself that once I overcome infertility and I am on the other side of this, I will look back and think it really wasnt that bad. I hope.

SO-- thankfully those sad, icky feelings didnt hang around all week. I was greeted Wednesday night by a husband and an early birthday gift...diamond earrings. If you know me, you know that I have wanted diamond earrings for years. I look at them, I decide to buy them, I talk myself out of buying them because I cant justify spending the money. Anyways, Rick explained to me as I eagerly put them in my ears that our entire relationship I have wanted these earrings but never gotten them. He said now I can have them and I dont have to worry about how theyre being paid for or trying to justify the spending. My patience got me these earrings. And my patience will also get me a baby eventually, I just have to be strong and be filled with faith.

I have the BEST husband. He is truly a perfect match for my heart.

I have been drawn to this song lately, and I havent even really pieced together why. But sometimes when a song just gets your heart, thats how this song is for me. But this song brings peace to my heart. Listen to it. Francesca Battistelli "Be Born in Me". It helps me regain courage to fight for a life i Love.

Post Nine

Infertility. What a gross word. I hate it. Hate.It. Its so devastating and consuming and horrible. I am beyond sick of hearing people say, "oh, it will happen. just relax. people always get pregnant when they stop trying. so don't try." really? shut up. just shut up. Until you are punched square in the face with it, don't ever try to give advice on how to get through it. Its honestly like a disease. I have no idea how to fix it or cure it or beat it. I am just following what doctors suggest and trusting the Lord is guiding them. I swallow pills, get injections, get probed at like a science experiment. I thought that the journey to parenthood would be a fun one but it isn't at all. It really sucks. I am already over feeling sick, tired, sore, and worrying. Infertility consumes your mind and your world. I constantly think what if these pills don't work, what if this injection doesn't make my body function, what if we are spending all this money for nothing?

Its even hard for Rick to understand where I am with all of this sometimes. He tries to reassure me that it will happen and that we just have to be patient. I already know all of that. To know that your body is failing to do what God intended, that's just a tad bit hard for me to wrap my head around. I have had days of hope and days of complete hopelessness. I hate the time in between doctor visits and wondering if this is gonna be the time it all works. When will it be my turn for a positive pregnancy test?

I am really sick of hearing that God has a plan. I am aware. But its so hard for me to understand how this is part of God's plan. How is making me face this and get knocked down by it part of a plan? I honestly started my Sunday at church seeing some cute babies and little kids and thinking, "Really Lord, its my turn. I am starting to get pretty pissed. Stop screwing around with my heart and my head and let us be parents." I really thought that! I said that in my head to the Lord! I kept thinking about people say that God knows every heartache and trouble you face, He, too, has faced it. Well, the Lord didn't face no infertility. So maybe He doesn't know what He is really doing to my head and my heart by making me go through it. Maybe He doesn't realize its eating away at me. Then this song happened...

We could try to count the stars
You already know them each by name
Every single galaxy was Your design
Your majesty displayed

Your glory shines before our eyes
The more we see, the more we love You

King of wonders, we stand amazed
Theres no other, other than You
King of wonders, You know the way to our hearts
And the more we see, the more we love You

You reveal and we respond
You have shown theres no one like You, God
Your love and mercy welcomes us
Into the beauty of this Holiness

Your glory shines before our eyes
The more we see, the more we love You

King of wonders, we stand amazed
Theres no other, other than You
King of wonders, You know the way to our hearts
The more we see, the more we love You, God


That song knocked me back to reality. The more I see, the more I endure, the more I love You, God. He knows the stars by name. BY NAME. That to me is huge. He knows the stars by name but yet He knows me and my heart and loves me. Not only does He love me but He died for me. And here I am getting pissed and thinking maybe His plan is really not best at this point in time. His plan is perfect. And maybe what God faces daily isn't named "infertility" BUT I guarantee that His heart breaks by not having the children He wants. I feel so alone every time I get my hopes up and my answer is no, but He feels that too. Every time He wants a life and gets turned down, His heart breaks too. So maybe during this tough time instead of thinking He is being cruel and couldn't possibly understand where I am, I should realize that He knows the exact feelings of my heart. He knows the desire in my heart to be a mom. He has the same desire to love His children.

These past few weeks I have completely overlooked how gentle and delicate He can be for me if I let Him. That's what He wants. He wants to comfort my heart and know I trust Him and seek Him even in this dark time. Instead of running to the computer to google my chances of getting pregnant on this medication and this injection and what my chances of miscarriage are, I need to run to the Cross. He knows exactly where I am and He has a plan. And that plan will come full circle and when it does I will appreciate it so much more than the people that get it without even realizing how blessed they truly are. Never take life for granted; it is so delicate. He doesn't want me to be worried and have sleepless nights because I am so scared. He wants me to be calm knowing that He will get me through it. No matter how horrible the situation, He will get us through.

Jesus please teach me patience and hope and hold my heart during this time. Remind me that You give me double for my trouble and that my rewards will far outweigh what I am enduring. I am so weak to this, but Lord you are so strong. Give me the strength to fight for a life i Love already.

Post Eight

Holy Hormones! Has anyone else felt like they dont know what is going on and their doctor just expects them to know and understand every detail, timing, and definition? Its safe to say that at this moment, I am extremely overwhelmed. I have looked up the basic order of different fertility drugs and methods and with all this IUI, IVF, CD, PCOS lingo- I am lost. I mean I get the jist of everything but I dont feel like I know everything I need to know. Maybe thats a feeling that comes with the territory. So in the midst of all these side effects and hormones, I found this tid bit of information that let me breathe:

For women under age 35, the question is more about which PCOS treatment will work- and not so much about whether any treatment will work.

I get so anxious knowing that we are on the right path and wandering if this is the step that will work. I have to remember that all this is a process that takes time. I keep telling myself that no matter what happens at my next doctors appointment, I will keep a positive outlook and know that God has His hand in all of this. He knows the desires of our hearts, He knows the exact moment my body will cooperate, He knows my baby by name already! I get so caught up in trying to educate myself and seeing statistics and worrying that sometimes I overlook that God knows exactly whats best.

Its crazy how things change. And I mean that for the good. Before this I had to remind myself to pray it seemed like. And now I am praying all the time...at work, in the car, in the shower, while I walk to my car. And its crazy how my prayers have changed. It used to seem like my prayers were "God please let me have a good day, please help me stick to my diet, please help my business grow." While those are all very real and valid prayers, there isnt much depth to them. Now I pray for my husband, our finances, our house, our parents, peoples lives to be saved, not only for my business to grow but for the community see God all over the salon, to use me to reach and teach others, to give me opportunities to tell of Gods love, I pray for my babies to be strong and healthy and little warriors that can teach Gods truth, I even pray over the medications I take- that these will help my body to produce perfect follicles. And at the end of prayers, I try to remember to thank Him for every blessing He has already given me and to thank Him for the cross and for giving His life for mine. He gave His life for my sweet babies, and so I could be a mommy someday. I always figured I would have kids, but I never imagined how this stage of the game would feel. I never knew that little life i Love could change my heart so much.

Post 7

It seems as if in the blink of an eye a year has passed. People say the first year of marriage is the hardest, and I do hope that is true. So much has happened in our first year of marriage. Some of it we had no control over, and some of it we jumped into ourselves. While a lot of it is just part of the journey we call life, it is still difficult to get used to living together and combining everything as well as doing life. But we did it. And I know that if we were able to get through some of the stuff we got through and still are smiling and happy and in love, the years to come will be a cake walk.


Because I have never known such a love
I, Ashley, take you, Rick,
to be my beloved husband.
I choose to make my whole life with you,
Because you are the man I adore.
The one above all others
Who has been given as a gift to me
To be now and always my love.
I promise always to love you,
To treasure you,
To encourage you,
To be at your side
In sickness and in health
And forsaking all others
To keep myself only unto you.
I promise you this from my heart
With my soul
For all the days of my life.


One year ago today, I cried my way through these vows. Aside from the flowers, the cake, the pretty dress, and dancing like idiots- I made a promise that I meant every word of. I believe with my whole heart that God planted us in each others' lives at the most perfect time. I dedicate the next year of our marriage to the Lord and to His plans for us. I want to learn and grow with my husband and make our relationship and marriage and home one that everyone knows God is the center of. I want it to be obvious that we love each other, we love the Lord, we more importantly trust the Lord, and at the end of the day, we are best friends.

Happy First Anniversary.

Post 6

About five months ago, we started looking into different vacation destinations for our First Anniversary Vacation/Honeymoon #2. We looked into a few different options and we thought maybe it just wasn't good timing and maybe we shouldn't spend the money. We looked into all inclusives out of the country and then thought maybe stay in the states. I looked and looked at condos- for weeks. I couldn't find any that I loved, so I thought maybe it was a sign we shouldn't head out. One night when I was leaving work, pretty frazzled from having baby stuff on the brain and just life in general, it hit me. Something in my heart said go to Panama City Beach, head to Florida, baby stuff is going to work out there. I never mentioned it to Rick that I felt that, afraid that it was just me wanting to feel that and not really God working on my heart.

Day #1 at our condo and I went out on the balcony by myself with a cup of coffee. I was sitting out there in silence looking at the beach-- the sand and the waves and the sun and it took my breath away. I was so in awe that the Lord created all of this. He told the ocean it could only come so far. He knows how many grains of sand there are. And He knows me, knows the desires of my heart. And He knows the best timing. Looking at the beach and admiring God's work, I just let go of the baby issue control. I cannot make my body do what it needs to do in order to get pregnant. I cannot make my doctor move quicker with fertility options in order to help my body do what it needs to do. So I let go. I let go and let God.

An hour later, my doctor's office called me. My doctor decided its time to move to the next step. When we get home, we are moving forward. If this next step will get me pregnant or not, I have no idea, but its a step in the right direction. (I am going to keep details of our fertility journey to a minimum from here out. Just for our privacy. We are going to be going through a lot and I don't want people to be disappointed or questioning us.)

I feel like as soon as I let go, God took control. I was so afraid months ago that when I felt God put it on my heart to come to Panama City Beach with Rick, that it was me making myself feel that and it wasn't really God. I thought maybe I would get pregnant while in PCB. Although I know its not possible for me to get pregnant right now, I do feel like God shed some light, He opened this new door for us. I may not be pregnant for years, but this is getting us closer to it. This could be our last vacation as The Stigers, party of two.

Its God's will for us to bring a baby into this world. He knows the desires of my heart and He desires to bless me and make me happy. And I know, without a doubt, that He will make me a mommy. A mommy to a sweet, precious little miracle. And thats a life i Love already.

Post 5

I never realized that people would actually take the time to read this blog. I only started it because I wanted to journal our journey to parenthood. I wanted to have my feelings and prayers and hopes during the journey down somewhere so I could someday show our child how much we loved and wanted them before they were even here. I have received a lot of messages in response to this blog; messages of hope and prayer and encouragement. To each person that reads this blog and each person that has taken their time to write me-- thank you. None of you have any idea how helpful reading messages of encouragement have helped my heart. To know that I make someone else's prayers is just an awesome feeling.

This morning I was laying in bed talking with Rick. Which that in itself is a rare occurrence. We very rarely have time to just lay in bed and talk to each other in the morning. Monday through Friday he leaves for work when I am still asleep. Saturdays I leave for work while he is still in bed. Sundays get to sleep in a little bit, but we usually sleep until we have to get up for church. So, to lay in bed and both be awake and get to relax and just talk was so awesome. With the windows open, a chilly bedroom, a breeze blowing, my husbands arms wrapped around me-- I laid there in awe of Gods work. Its moments like those that hit you head on and you see Gods love for you.

For years I bounced around from dating different guys and never really letting God lead. I went through yet another break up and had my heart broken once again and I finally was at my rock bottom. I truly hated everything in my life. And I hated me for letting my life get where it was. I knew I needed God but I had no idea how to let Him lead or how to surrender everything. I am a "silent worshiper" and I stepped out of my comfort zone to show God I was ready for Him. My heart was ready, my mind was ready, and the time was now. My life changed that day and the Lord has done work in me and through me that I never thought possible. And when I proved to Him that I was true to my word and my heart was completely His; I was faithful to Him. And when I was faithful, He was faithful. Times a million. I met Rick 2 weeks after I gave Jesus my heart. I knew on my first date with Rick that he was the man God created just for me. I drove away from that date knowing he would be my husband.

Two weeks ago I was pleading with God to give me a baby. I wasnt praying for Gods timing or for whatever is in His plans for us from now until a baby or anything near that. All I was thinking was give me a baby. Give me a baby now. Everyone else gets a baby but me and its my turn. From two weeks ago until now, God has been working on my heart big time. He is showing me His plans and Im sitting back; watching and believing and trusting and most importantly- thanking. Our lives are changing and I know that its in preparation for the next step. Its funny how in such a short time God can calm you and give you peace and reassurance. I keep hearing "be still and know I am God' over and over in my head and in my heart. And I know that when I am faithful, He is more faithful. And he Has started His works in my heart, in my life, in our life, in our love- and He is faithful to complete it. I have no doubt in my mind that I will be pregnant someday. I have no idea if I will do it on my own or what I will have to let doctors do, but I will someday be pregnant. Letting go and letting God has given me so much relief. And from now until pregnant, I will give God all the glory and praise He deserves that I am just now realizing I was too preoccupied to give. He is working on my heart to love even more. Our baby is a life i Love already, and when its finally time, I will love more than I ever imagined possible.

Post 4

Do you ever feel like you would love to have God one on one and ask Him what the heck He is putting you through things for?? Today I had about the dumbest doctors appointment ever. I called a few weeks ago and voiced a concern, and the doctor wanted to see me. I told them to please make sure it would be worth our time to come in because my last visit was a waste of time. They said the doctor needed to see me before anything would be done. So, I left work early and got to the office around 3:15, appointment was at 3:30.

At 4:45 I finally got called back. 4:45!! And as I am walking back, they tell me the doctor wants me to get an internal sonogram real quick before she sees me. Ummm...what? No one warned me I was gonna have to get one of those. Not only is it super weird to have them ram a wand up your vajayjay, but then to watch them take pictures of your insides with it. Gross. And they dont warn you that for the next few days it gives you weird cramps because they stirred up your guts with that flipping wand.

Then I wait again to see the doctor. A nurse takes me back and asks me a million and one questions raging from the time I first started my period to today. 15 years worth of questions. We finally get done and then I wait again for the doctor. She finally comes in and we go over all these questions again. She decides that she wants me to go back on the last medicine I was on for 6 months with no results. She said theres a lot of different types of glucophage, we just need to find one my body responds to and doesnt make me real sick. And she told me to stick to my diet. I know losing weight would only help the situation and Im trying, but having a body that fights weight loss pretty much defeats my efforts.

Really?! 3 hours of my life for you to tell me to take the medicine that made me super sick with no results and to lose weight? PS- there were fatter girls than me in the waiting room during the hour I sat out there and they were pregnant. I went to the doctor because I have had my period for 6 weeks. 6 weeeeeeeeeeeeeeks!!!!!!!!!!!! And they acted like that was just annoying but not a big deal. Buy stock in tampax folks, cause Im keeping them in business.

Thank God I have a supportive and caring husband. After I came home and sobbed to Rick, I think Im calling a different doctor. When I left the doctors office today, she said to call her in 2 weeks if I cant handle the meds and if I can handle them, then she will see me in a few months. Well at this rate I will maybe be pregnant by 40. When I got a second opinion last time, the second doctor said he wouldnt waste time with glucophage because he rarely has results with it. And she wants me to spend a few more months with it after 6 months of no results. Sorry Dr. Teverbaugh but I think you are gonna get left in my dust.

Help me Jesus.

Post 3

I am reading this book and theres one part from it that I absolutely loved:
God's greatest gift, after life itself, is love.

This past weekend was really awesome. I spent some time with some new friends from church and then we went to a different church on Sunday to see my cousin get baptized. So, of course, when I spent some time hanging out with girls from church, we got talking on the subject of babies. I was the only one there that wasnt pregnant or already a mom. One of the girls mentioned that I need to boldly pray for myself; for the Lord to heal my ovaries. Then church on Sunday the message was about how we need to take steps to being bolder as Christians and making our prayers really matter. It was exactly what I needed to hear. I have not once prayed for healing for myself. The only thing that I have prayed for is that I dont have to go through years of fertility treatment. I never prayed for the Lord to just heal the issue before I even have to start treatments. For some reason, I never saw it as a huge issue because Im not dying from it and I honestly didnt see myself as worthy of miraculous healing. But really, when its something that affects me daily, it is a huge issue. And I do deserve miraculous healing just as much as the next person. So I have been praying for God's healing touch over my body.

That same friend reminded me that Gods timing is so perfect and God already knows my baby. He knows which egg and which sperm will create my baby and it has to be the perfect match. It cant be a moment too soon and it wont be too late. God has it all planned out perfect.

Sundays message was so great. How many of our prayers are "God help me do good at work", "help my kids in school or in sports", "help me make more money". Really?! Those are our prayers!? When do we start getting real and start diving deeper into our faith and praying for things we really need Gods hands in??! We need to open our hearts and minds to Gods plans and be open to letting Him move in our lives.

The other day I was walking through my house and Tyson was barking like crazy at me and I was trying to get him to come to me so I could pick him up. He was just barking at me and wouldnt let me hold him. I thought "dang Tys I just wanna hold you and love on you and snuggle you up, I know whats best, Im your mom!" And that hit me. Thats probably the Lords exact thoughts, "shut up Ashley, stop yipping and let me love on you. I know whats best for you!" I constantly forget that God loves me exactly how I am and for who I am. I dont have to perform for Him to recieve blessings from Him. I keep thinking what else do I have to do to prove to God we are ready for a baby? And really I dont have to do anything. He doesnt have a check list for me to complete before we can have a baby. He has a perfect plan for me and He loves me. I dont have to perform; He is tender and loving and gentle.

I know that God has a perfect plan for my life. And I have always known that but this weekend brought that back into focus. And I know that there is a new little creation in that plan. And that little creation is a life i Love already.

Post Two

Everyone is having a baby right now. While I am happy for each of those mamas; at the same time I wonder when is my turn. Even when I know that each of those new mothers deserve the joy and love of the new life they created; I would be lying if I said my heart didnt hurt, even just for a second. I know completely that God's plans for my life are best and He has perfect timing. But that still hasnt calmed my heart. I do feel peace in the fact that I know God will make me a mommy sometime. I just wish it was now. I truly have no idea what I will do besides sob when I finally have a positive pregnancy test.

Lets cover why I cant get pregnant: polycystic ovarian syndrome. It is so hard for me to grasp how a hormone can make everything in my body a complete trainwreck. Really? Everything in my body is jacked up. And I hate it because until my doctor can get this ovary issue somewhat under control, I just have to wait it out.

Well, I dont do well with waiting. I am starting a new journey. A journey of trying my hardest to turn this ovary situation around naturally, on my own, without taking a bunch of medicine that makes me sick, more hormonal, and does crazy things inside my body. I took medicine for about 5 months that was supposed to help; while it didnt do a flipping thing to help, it did do nasty things to my body. I will never take one of those pills again. That entire 5 months was a vicious circle of nausea, giant pills, running to the bathroom, more nausea, then upped dosages. No thank you. I will try a different path this time and leave those sick pills in my dust.

My doctor told me that in October (our one year marker for trying on our own) is when I will be considered "infertility" and then they can start me on whatever fertility treatments they think will kick my body into doing what it wont do on its own. I sat on a table and listened to them tell me I wont get pregnant on my own. I always had that feeling that it would take work to get me pregnant, but I never really thought of what it would feel like to be here, now. I never knew what it would do to my heart to hear that I cant do it on my own.

Infertility is like death in a way. When you lose someone, all you want is that life back. Well, I pray for a life that I have yet to know. I pray for a life that for some reason, God is temporarily withholding from us. Key word there is temporarily. I know that God will give us that life one of these days. Just like death only takes someone from you temporarily. It may be months or years apart, but you eventually get to meet them again in Heaven. Life is full of ups and downs, and all we can really do is appreciate the good times so much that they get us through the not so good times. The stages that God puts us through in life are so crazy. To think that someday God will give us a baby to raise and love and nurture and mold, it just blows my mind. His plans are so crazy and lead us to places we never really expect. He uses us to create life. That is huge. We are wonderfully and perfectly made, the way He makes us. And the life He will use me to create, I already see that life as wonderful and perfect. Thats a life i Love already.

a life i Love: first post

I am starting this blog just to keep track of life; in the ups and downs, I want to have something to look back on and remember different phases we experienced. After nine months of marriage and a lot of life changes hitting us head on, Rick and I are ready for the next step. Early on in our dating, we both knew we wanted to be parents. And we knew we didn't want to wait long after being married. We have been "trying" since our wedding day; with no success. After a few months of tracking my temperature for ovulation and realizing my body was doing nothing a female body needs to do, we knew I had to go to the doctor. A bunch of blood tests and a sonogram later, we found out I have polycystic ovaries. I went on a medication and a few months later went back to the doctor. The doctor said my body didn't respond to the medication so our next option is to go back in October to start fertility treatments.

What a punch in the face. I always figured I would have trouble having a baby, but to hear point blank that I cannot get pregnant on my own, now that's something I was so not prepared to hear. It still isn't something I can completely wrap my brain around, I still have a small hope that my body will just release one little egg on its own and that Rick will rock that egg's world. I know that the chance of that happening are slim to none, but I can still have that hope.

Thankfully, my BIG hope is that Jesus is bigger than infertility. Rick and I are looking for a church to call ours, and we have found one that we do really enjoy. The message yesterday was so great and was a good punch in my face. One part of it that I loved was that Jesus was sent to be a man, among us so that He could know us and face the same trials, circumstances, and temptations as we do BUT He overcame all of them. He overcame all of them and He can help us to overcome them as well. So no matter what the situation or circumstance is, He has been there and overcame it.

Now that did wonders for my heart. I don't really know how Jesus overcame infertility and I don't really need to know how, all I need to know is that He did and that He will help me do it too. I hope that can also help others to know that they are not alone in their struggles. It doesn't mean I won't cry over it anymore or that I won't feel a little tug on my heart when I find out other people are pregnant and I am still not. But its a hope to hold onto. A hope that lets me know without a doubt that someday I will pee on one of those stupid sticks and it will finally finally finally say pregnant.

I know that God has the perfect time in my life set already to give me a little life to take care of. I am not going to focus on that I cannot get pregnant today and that it sucks. I am going to focus on life today that is fun and amazing even though its babyless. I am going to grow in my marriage and in our relationship with God, I am going to go on vacations, I am going to laugh and do hair and ENJOY. Is it sort of scary to know that in three months I am going to start treatments that are going to do crazy things to my body? Abso-freaking-lutely. Its scary because I don't know what the future holds exactly. But we never do. Rick told me yesterday that God has it planned, and maybe he has something planned for us before a baby. Something we have no idea even what. Now thats even crazier than a baby! I know some of what comes with a baby--poop and bottles and no sleep. But Gods plans--I have no idea what He can have planned for us. I am so excited to watch the future unfold. And somewhere in that future is a little baby. I just know it.

And to that little baby--you are a life i Love already.