Do you ever feel like you would love to have God one on one and ask Him what the heck He is putting you through things for?? Today I had about the dumbest doctors appointment ever. I called a few weeks ago and voiced a concern, and the doctor wanted to see me. I told them to please make sure it would be worth our time to come in because my last visit was a waste of time. They said the doctor needed to see me before anything would be done. So, I left work early and got to the office around 3:15, appointment was at 3:30.
At 4:45 I finally got called back. 4:45!! And as I am walking back, they tell me the doctor wants me to get an internal sonogram real quick before she sees me. Ummm...what? No one warned me I was gonna have to get one of those. Not only is it super weird to have them ram a wand up your vajayjay, but then to watch them take pictures of your insides with it. Gross. And they dont warn you that for the next few days it gives you weird cramps because they stirred up your guts with that flipping wand.
Then I wait again to see the doctor. A nurse takes me back and asks me a million and one questions raging from the time I first started my period to today. 15 years worth of questions. We finally get done and then I wait again for the doctor. She finally comes in and we go over all these questions again. She decides that she wants me to go back on the last medicine I was on for 6 months with no results. She said theres a lot of different types of glucophage, we just need to find one my body responds to and doesnt make me real sick. And she told me to stick to my diet. I know losing weight would only help the situation and Im trying, but having a body that fights weight loss pretty much defeats my efforts.
Really?! 3 hours of my life for you to tell me to take the medicine that made me super sick with no results and to lose weight? PS- there were fatter girls than me in the waiting room during the hour I sat out there and they were pregnant. I went to the doctor because I have had my period for 6 weeks. 6 weeeeeeeeeeeeeeks!!!!!!!!!!!! And they acted like that was just annoying but not a big deal. Buy stock in tampax folks, cause Im keeping them in business.
Thank God I have a supportive and caring husband. After I came home and sobbed to Rick, I think Im calling a different doctor. When I left the doctors office today, she said to call her in 2 weeks if I cant handle the meds and if I can handle them, then she will see me in a few months. Well at this rate I will maybe be pregnant by 40. When I got a second opinion last time, the second doctor said he wouldnt waste time with glucophage because he rarely has results with it. And she wants me to spend a few more months with it after 6 months of no results. Sorry Dr. Teverbaugh but I think you are gonna get left in my dust.
Help me Jesus.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Post 3
I am reading this book and theres one part from it that I absolutely loved:
God's greatest gift, after life itself, is love.
This past weekend was really awesome. I spent some time with some new friends from church and then we went to a different church on Sunday to see my cousin get baptized. So, of course, when I spent some time hanging out with girls from church, we got talking on the subject of babies. I was the only one there that wasnt pregnant or already a mom. One of the girls mentioned that I need to boldly pray for myself; for the Lord to heal my ovaries. Then church on Sunday the message was about how we need to take steps to being bolder as Christians and making our prayers really matter. It was exactly what I needed to hear. I have not once prayed for healing for myself. The only thing that I have prayed for is that I dont have to go through years of fertility treatment. I never prayed for the Lord to just heal the issue before I even have to start treatments. For some reason, I never saw it as a huge issue because Im not dying from it and I honestly didnt see myself as worthy of miraculous healing. But really, when its something that affects me daily, it is a huge issue. And I do deserve miraculous healing just as much as the next person. So I have been praying for God's healing touch over my body.
That same friend reminded me that Gods timing is so perfect and God already knows my baby. He knows which egg and which sperm will create my baby and it has to be the perfect match. It cant be a moment too soon and it wont be too late. God has it all planned out perfect.
Sundays message was so great. How many of our prayers are "God help me do good at work", "help my kids in school or in sports", "help me make more money". Really?! Those are our prayers!? When do we start getting real and start diving deeper into our faith and praying for things we really need Gods hands in??! We need to open our hearts and minds to Gods plans and be open to letting Him move in our lives.
The other day I was walking through my house and Tyson was barking like crazy at me and I was trying to get him to come to me so I could pick him up. He was just barking at me and wouldnt let me hold him. I thought "dang Tys I just wanna hold you and love on you and snuggle you up, I know whats best, Im your mom!" And that hit me. Thats probably the Lords exact thoughts, "shut up Ashley, stop yipping and let me love on you. I know whats best for you!" I constantly forget that God loves me exactly how I am and for who I am. I dont have to perform for Him to recieve blessings from Him. I keep thinking what else do I have to do to prove to God we are ready for a baby? And really I dont have to do anything. He doesnt have a check list for me to complete before we can have a baby. He has a perfect plan for me and He loves me. I dont have to perform; He is tender and loving and gentle.
I know that God has a perfect plan for my life. And I have always known that but this weekend brought that back into focus. And I know that there is a new little creation in that plan. And that little creation is a life i Love already.
God's greatest gift, after life itself, is love.
This past weekend was really awesome. I spent some time with some new friends from church and then we went to a different church on Sunday to see my cousin get baptized. So, of course, when I spent some time hanging out with girls from church, we got talking on the subject of babies. I was the only one there that wasnt pregnant or already a mom. One of the girls mentioned that I need to boldly pray for myself; for the Lord to heal my ovaries. Then church on Sunday the message was about how we need to take steps to being bolder as Christians and making our prayers really matter. It was exactly what I needed to hear. I have not once prayed for healing for myself. The only thing that I have prayed for is that I dont have to go through years of fertility treatment. I never prayed for the Lord to just heal the issue before I even have to start treatments. For some reason, I never saw it as a huge issue because Im not dying from it and I honestly didnt see myself as worthy of miraculous healing. But really, when its something that affects me daily, it is a huge issue. And I do deserve miraculous healing just as much as the next person. So I have been praying for God's healing touch over my body.
That same friend reminded me that Gods timing is so perfect and God already knows my baby. He knows which egg and which sperm will create my baby and it has to be the perfect match. It cant be a moment too soon and it wont be too late. God has it all planned out perfect.
Sundays message was so great. How many of our prayers are "God help me do good at work", "help my kids in school or in sports", "help me make more money". Really?! Those are our prayers!? When do we start getting real and start diving deeper into our faith and praying for things we really need Gods hands in??! We need to open our hearts and minds to Gods plans and be open to letting Him move in our lives.
The other day I was walking through my house and Tyson was barking like crazy at me and I was trying to get him to come to me so I could pick him up. He was just barking at me and wouldnt let me hold him. I thought "dang Tys I just wanna hold you and love on you and snuggle you up, I know whats best, Im your mom!" And that hit me. Thats probably the Lords exact thoughts, "shut up Ashley, stop yipping and let me love on you. I know whats best for you!" I constantly forget that God loves me exactly how I am and for who I am. I dont have to perform for Him to recieve blessings from Him. I keep thinking what else do I have to do to prove to God we are ready for a baby? And really I dont have to do anything. He doesnt have a check list for me to complete before we can have a baby. He has a perfect plan for me and He loves me. I dont have to perform; He is tender and loving and gentle.
I know that God has a perfect plan for my life. And I have always known that but this weekend brought that back into focus. And I know that there is a new little creation in that plan. And that little creation is a life i Love already.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Post Two
Everyone is having a baby right now. While I am happy for each of those mamas; at the same time I wonder when is my turn. Even when I know that each of those new mothers deserve the joy and love of the new life they created; I would be lying if I said my heart didnt hurt, even just for a second. I know completely that God's plans for my life are best and He has perfect timing. But that still hasnt calmed my heart. I do feel peace in the fact that I know God will make me a mommy sometime. I just wish it was now. I truly have no idea what I will do besides sob when I finally have a positive pregnancy test.
Lets cover why I cant get pregnant: polycystic ovarian syndrome. It is so hard for me to grasp how a hormone can make everything in my body a complete trainwreck. Really? Everything in my body is jacked up. And I hate it because until my doctor can get this ovary issue somewhat under control, I just have to wait it out.
Well, I dont do well with waiting. I am starting a new journey. A journey of trying my hardest to turn this ovary situation around naturally, on my own, without taking a bunch of medicine that makes me sick, more hormonal, and does crazy things inside my body. I took medicine for about 5 months that was supposed to help; while it didnt do a flipping thing to help, it did do nasty things to my body. I will never take one of those pills again. That entire 5 months was a vicious circle of nausea, giant pills, running to the bathroom, more nausea, then upped dosages. No thank you. I will try a different path this time and leave those sick pills in my dust.
My doctor told me that in October (our one year marker for trying on our own) is when I will be considered "infertility" and then they can start me on whatever fertility treatments they think will kick my body into doing what it wont do on its own. I sat on a table and listened to them tell me I wont get pregnant on my own. I always had that feeling that it would take work to get me pregnant, but I never really thought of what it would feel like to be here, now. I never knew what it would do to my heart to hear that I cant do it on my own.
Infertility is like death in a way. When you lose someone, all you want is that life back. Well, I pray for a life that I have yet to know. I pray for a life that for some reason, God is temporarily withholding from us. Key word there is temporarily. I know that God will give us that life one of these days. Just like death only takes someone from you temporarily. It may be months or years apart, but you eventually get to meet them again in Heaven. Life is full of ups and downs, and all we can really do is appreciate the good times so much that they get us through the not so good times. The stages that God puts us through in life are so crazy. To think that someday God will give us a baby to raise and love and nurture and mold, it just blows my mind. His plans are so crazy and lead us to places we never really expect. He uses us to create life. That is huge. We are wonderfully and perfectly made, the way He makes us. And the life He will use me to create, I already see that life as wonderful and perfect. Thats a life i Love already.
Lets cover why I cant get pregnant: polycystic ovarian syndrome. It is so hard for me to grasp how a hormone can make everything in my body a complete trainwreck. Really? Everything in my body is jacked up. And I hate it because until my doctor can get this ovary issue somewhat under control, I just have to wait it out.
Well, I dont do well with waiting. I am starting a new journey. A journey of trying my hardest to turn this ovary situation around naturally, on my own, without taking a bunch of medicine that makes me sick, more hormonal, and does crazy things inside my body. I took medicine for about 5 months that was supposed to help; while it didnt do a flipping thing to help, it did do nasty things to my body. I will never take one of those pills again. That entire 5 months was a vicious circle of nausea, giant pills, running to the bathroom, more nausea, then upped dosages. No thank you. I will try a different path this time and leave those sick pills in my dust.
My doctor told me that in October (our one year marker for trying on our own) is when I will be considered "infertility" and then they can start me on whatever fertility treatments they think will kick my body into doing what it wont do on its own. I sat on a table and listened to them tell me I wont get pregnant on my own. I always had that feeling that it would take work to get me pregnant, but I never really thought of what it would feel like to be here, now. I never knew what it would do to my heart to hear that I cant do it on my own.
Infertility is like death in a way. When you lose someone, all you want is that life back. Well, I pray for a life that I have yet to know. I pray for a life that for some reason, God is temporarily withholding from us. Key word there is temporarily. I know that God will give us that life one of these days. Just like death only takes someone from you temporarily. It may be months or years apart, but you eventually get to meet them again in Heaven. Life is full of ups and downs, and all we can really do is appreciate the good times so much that they get us through the not so good times. The stages that God puts us through in life are so crazy. To think that someday God will give us a baby to raise and love and nurture and mold, it just blows my mind. His plans are so crazy and lead us to places we never really expect. He uses us to create life. That is huge. We are wonderfully and perfectly made, the way He makes us. And the life He will use me to create, I already see that life as wonderful and perfect. Thats a life i Love already.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)