I am starting this blog just to keep track of life; in the ups and downs, I want to have something to look back on and remember different phases we experienced. After nine months of marriage and a lot of life changes hitting us head on, Rick and I are ready for the next step. Early on in our dating, we both knew we wanted to be parents. And we knew we didn't want to wait long after being married. We have been "trying" since our wedding day; with no success. After a few months of tracking my temperature for ovulation and realizing my body was doing nothing a female body needs to do, we knew I had to go to the doctor. A bunch of blood tests and a sonogram later, we found out I have polycystic ovaries. I went on a medication and a few months later went back to the doctor. The doctor said my body didn't respond to the medication so our next option is to go back in October to start fertility treatments.
What a punch in the face. I always figured I would have trouble having a baby, but to hear point blank that I cannot get pregnant on my own, now that's something I was so not prepared to hear. It still isn't something I can completely wrap my brain around, I still have a small hope that my body will just release one little egg on its own and that Rick will rock that egg's world. I know that the chance of that happening are slim to none, but I can still have that hope.
Thankfully, my BIG hope is that Jesus is bigger than infertility. Rick and I are looking for a church to call ours, and we have found one that we do really enjoy. The message yesterday was so great and was a good punch in my face. One part of it that I loved was that Jesus was sent to be a man, among us so that He could know us and face the same trials, circumstances, and temptations as we do BUT He overcame all of them. He overcame all of them and He can help us to overcome them as well. So no matter what the situation or circumstance is, He has been there and overcame it.
Now that did wonders for my heart. I don't really know how Jesus overcame infertility and I don't really need to know how, all I need to know is that He did and that He will help me do it too. I hope that can also help others to know that they are not alone in their struggles. It doesn't mean I won't cry over it anymore or that I won't feel a little tug on my heart when I find out other people are pregnant and I am still not. But its a hope to hold onto. A hope that lets me know without a doubt that someday I will pee on one of those stupid sticks and it will finally finally finally say pregnant.
I know that God has the perfect time in my life set already to give me a little life to take care of. I am not going to focus on that I cannot get pregnant today and that it sucks. I am going to focus on life today that is fun and amazing even though its babyless. I am going to grow in my marriage and in our relationship with God, I am going to go on vacations, I am going to laugh and do hair and ENJOY. Is it sort of scary to know that in three months I am going to start treatments that are going to do crazy things to my body? Abso-freaking-lutely. Its scary because I don't know what the future holds exactly. But we never do. Rick told me yesterday that God has it planned, and maybe he has something planned for us before a baby. Something we have no idea even what. Now thats even crazier than a baby! I know some of what comes with a baby--poop and bottles and no sleep. But Gods plans--I have no idea what He can have planned for us. I am so excited to watch the future unfold. And somewhere in that future is a little baby. I just know it.
And to that little baby--you are a life i Love already.
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