Post Two

Everyone is having a baby right now. While I am happy for each of those mamas; at the same time I wonder when is my turn. Even when I know that each of those new mothers deserve the joy and love of the new life they created; I would be lying if I said my heart didnt hurt, even just for a second. I know completely that God's plans for my life are best and He has perfect timing. But that still hasnt calmed my heart. I do feel peace in the fact that I know God will make me a mommy sometime. I just wish it was now. I truly have no idea what I will do besides sob when I finally have a positive pregnancy test.

Lets cover why I cant get pregnant: polycystic ovarian syndrome. It is so hard for me to grasp how a hormone can make everything in my body a complete trainwreck. Really? Everything in my body is jacked up. And I hate it because until my doctor can get this ovary issue somewhat under control, I just have to wait it out.

Well, I dont do well with waiting. I am starting a new journey. A journey of trying my hardest to turn this ovary situation around naturally, on my own, without taking a bunch of medicine that makes me sick, more hormonal, and does crazy things inside my body. I took medicine for about 5 months that was supposed to help; while it didnt do a flipping thing to help, it did do nasty things to my body. I will never take one of those pills again. That entire 5 months was a vicious circle of nausea, giant pills, running to the bathroom, more nausea, then upped dosages. No thank you. I will try a different path this time and leave those sick pills in my dust.

My doctor told me that in October (our one year marker for trying on our own) is when I will be considered "infertility" and then they can start me on whatever fertility treatments they think will kick my body into doing what it wont do on its own. I sat on a table and listened to them tell me I wont get pregnant on my own. I always had that feeling that it would take work to get me pregnant, but I never really thought of what it would feel like to be here, now. I never knew what it would do to my heart to hear that I cant do it on my own.

Infertility is like death in a way. When you lose someone, all you want is that life back. Well, I pray for a life that I have yet to know. I pray for a life that for some reason, God is temporarily withholding from us. Key word there is temporarily. I know that God will give us that life one of these days. Just like death only takes someone from you temporarily. It may be months or years apart, but you eventually get to meet them again in Heaven. Life is full of ups and downs, and all we can really do is appreciate the good times so much that they get us through the not so good times. The stages that God puts us through in life are so crazy. To think that someday God will give us a baby to raise and love and nurture and mold, it just blows my mind. His plans are so crazy and lead us to places we never really expect. He uses us to create life. That is huge. We are wonderfully and perfectly made, the way He makes us. And the life He will use me to create, I already see that life as wonderful and perfect. Thats a life i Love already.