Post 10

Today is my twenty-eighth birthday. I have not really been looking forward to my birthday this year; this is the first time I have ever not been super excited for my birthday. I dunno if it just came at the end of a rough week or what, but I was not excited.

Monday was about the worst day I have had in a long time. I was supposed to spend the day shopping with my mom and mother in law. I had a doctors appointment in the middle of the day so I left them shopping to run over for what was supposed to be a real quick appointment. As I was sitting in the waiting room for my name to be called I found out a high school client of mine passed away. That hit me like a punch to the stomach, it truly took my breath away. The news I got at that doctors appointment hit me like a thousand punches to the stomach, and I barely made it to the car before I burst into tears.

I was supposed to get even better results this time around from meds, but it was opposite. This time there was nothing. My body didnt respond, not even a tad little teeny tiny bit. I was so blindsided by it, I was completely expecting better results and to leave there a happy camper. I thought I would leave on cloud nine and go back to shopping. Instead I called Rick and I could barely even get words out. I got back to my mom and mother-in-law only to crumble in their arms and sob. I was crushed. I can honestly say that was one of my saddest moments.

This week has been a rough week to bounce back from that doctors visit. At the beginning of the year I told Rick I thought we would be pregnant by the end of 2011. And I truly believed we would be. If we did get pregnant this cycle, we would have gotten our positive at Christmas.

I dont understand why God is making us wait, and it honestly has me petrified what is going on inside my body. Nothing is working. After how defeated I felt Monday I thought maybe its really never going to happen for us. Maybe my body will never do what its supposed to do and I will never get to experience motherhood. I will never be able to give my husband a child.

Those feelings come from a really sad place. A place where I questioned God. I questioned why He is doing this, how much can my heart take, what is He trying to teach me. Why can some people that have no business parenting a child just have sex and get pregnant and here I am doing everything in my power to only get let down. I dont get it. Maybe I never will. I try to tell myself that once I overcome infertility and I am on the other side of this, I will look back and think it really wasnt that bad. I hope.

SO-- thankfully those sad, icky feelings didnt hang around all week. I was greeted Wednesday night by a husband and an early birthday gift...diamond earrings. If you know me, you know that I have wanted diamond earrings for years. I look at them, I decide to buy them, I talk myself out of buying them because I cant justify spending the money. Anyways, Rick explained to me as I eagerly put them in my ears that our entire relationship I have wanted these earrings but never gotten them. He said now I can have them and I dont have to worry about how theyre being paid for or trying to justify the spending. My patience got me these earrings. And my patience will also get me a baby eventually, I just have to be strong and be filled with faith.

I have the BEST husband. He is truly a perfect match for my heart.

I have been drawn to this song lately, and I havent even really pieced together why. But sometimes when a song just gets your heart, thats how this song is for me. But this song brings peace to my heart. Listen to it. Francesca Battistelli "Be Born in Me". It helps me regain courage to fight for a life i Love.