Post Nine

Infertility. What a gross word. I hate it. Hate.It. Its so devastating and consuming and horrible. I am beyond sick of hearing people say, "oh, it will happen. just relax. people always get pregnant when they stop trying. so don't try." really? shut up. just shut up. Until you are punched square in the face with it, don't ever try to give advice on how to get through it. Its honestly like a disease. I have no idea how to fix it or cure it or beat it. I am just following what doctors suggest and trusting the Lord is guiding them. I swallow pills, get injections, get probed at like a science experiment. I thought that the journey to parenthood would be a fun one but it isn't at all. It really sucks. I am already over feeling sick, tired, sore, and worrying. Infertility consumes your mind and your world. I constantly think what if these pills don't work, what if this injection doesn't make my body function, what if we are spending all this money for nothing?

Its even hard for Rick to understand where I am with all of this sometimes. He tries to reassure me that it will happen and that we just have to be patient. I already know all of that. To know that your body is failing to do what God intended, that's just a tad bit hard for me to wrap my head around. I have had days of hope and days of complete hopelessness. I hate the time in between doctor visits and wondering if this is gonna be the time it all works. When will it be my turn for a positive pregnancy test?

I am really sick of hearing that God has a plan. I am aware. But its so hard for me to understand how this is part of God's plan. How is making me face this and get knocked down by it part of a plan? I honestly started my Sunday at church seeing some cute babies and little kids and thinking, "Really Lord, its my turn. I am starting to get pretty pissed. Stop screwing around with my heart and my head and let us be parents." I really thought that! I said that in my head to the Lord! I kept thinking about people say that God knows every heartache and trouble you face, He, too, has faced it. Well, the Lord didn't face no infertility. So maybe He doesn't know what He is really doing to my head and my heart by making me go through it. Maybe He doesn't realize its eating away at me. Then this song happened...

We could try to count the stars
You already know them each by name
Every single galaxy was Your design
Your majesty displayed

Your glory shines before our eyes
The more we see, the more we love You

King of wonders, we stand amazed
Theres no other, other than You
King of wonders, You know the way to our hearts
And the more we see, the more we love You

You reveal and we respond
You have shown theres no one like You, God
Your love and mercy welcomes us
Into the beauty of this Holiness

Your glory shines before our eyes
The more we see, the more we love You

King of wonders, we stand amazed
Theres no other, other than You
King of wonders, You know the way to our hearts
The more we see, the more we love You, God


That song knocked me back to reality. The more I see, the more I endure, the more I love You, God. He knows the stars by name. BY NAME. That to me is huge. He knows the stars by name but yet He knows me and my heart and loves me. Not only does He love me but He died for me. And here I am getting pissed and thinking maybe His plan is really not best at this point in time. His plan is perfect. And maybe what God faces daily isn't named "infertility" BUT I guarantee that His heart breaks by not having the children He wants. I feel so alone every time I get my hopes up and my answer is no, but He feels that too. Every time He wants a life and gets turned down, His heart breaks too. So maybe during this tough time instead of thinking He is being cruel and couldn't possibly understand where I am, I should realize that He knows the exact feelings of my heart. He knows the desire in my heart to be a mom. He has the same desire to love His children.

These past few weeks I have completely overlooked how gentle and delicate He can be for me if I let Him. That's what He wants. He wants to comfort my heart and know I trust Him and seek Him even in this dark time. Instead of running to the computer to google my chances of getting pregnant on this medication and this injection and what my chances of miscarriage are, I need to run to the Cross. He knows exactly where I am and He has a plan. And that plan will come full circle and when it does I will appreciate it so much more than the people that get it without even realizing how blessed they truly are. Never take life for granted; it is so delicate. He doesn't want me to be worried and have sleepless nights because I am so scared. He wants me to be calm knowing that He will get me through it. No matter how horrible the situation, He will get us through.

Jesus please teach me patience and hope and hold my heart during this time. Remind me that You give me double for my trouble and that my rewards will far outweigh what I am enduring. I am so weak to this, but Lord you are so strong. Give me the strength to fight for a life i Love already.